Kohlinar
by SnowDragon
Summary: Conflicting heritage forces a Vulan to feel she must undergo the Kohlinar ritual at Mt Seleya on Vulcan
1. Heritage of Choice

Chapter 1: Heritage of Choice  
  
Elizara stared at the computer screen in front of her, a letter from her Betazoid grandmother, Airilia Gwyn, open, but she saw nothing of the words. Her mind was far from the letter, the screen, the ship even, though it was the letter that had prompted her immersion in thought.  
  
Though she was very well versed in Betazoid culture, she had never experienced it. She was very knowledgeable about Betazoid telepathic and empathic powers, but had never received any instruction on the furthering of these innate powers from a Betazoid. In short, a part of her heritage was missing, but she had never really noticed. As a Vulcan, she did not dwell on it or anything else, focusing on her duty and the task at hand. But her grandmother Airilia had brought this up, and she must now attempt to catalog and make sense of Airilia's words in her mind.  
  
Airilia brought up a valid point. Zara had, in a way, neglected both her Betazoid heritage and relations. As a Vulcan, Zara found nothing wrong with this, she had taken the logical path that lay before her. She had little contact with her mother and Vulcan relatives, why should she go out of her way to maintain contact with her Betazoid relatives with whom she had very little in common with.  
  
Then again, the Betazoid in her knew she had a responsibility to them. She was their only living granddaughter, and might as well be dead for all she communicated with them. If she had been brought up with more experiences from her Betazoid father, she would not be having this difficulty now. But Kayeel Gwyn had died when she was just a few days old, though the cause of his death was undetermined. Now that she thought about it, she had never been told much about Kayeel's work, his life, or his death. He had never existed to her, which might be a cause for her detachment from Airilia and her grandfather, Derex.  
  
Zara thought deeply about the situation, the details. With her flawless Vulcan logic, she saw no point in continuing a string of useless "gossipy" letters to her grandmother, but in the long run, it would not hurt. A word from her now and then might satisfy Airilia and cause no harm or loss of efficiency in the time it would take to write a letter now and then.  
  
She turned to her computer screen and begin composing a letter, when a vivid memory struck her. It was the memory of the battle that led to her discovering she was part Betazoid. Her mother, Siva, had never though to inform her of her Betazoid father, it was deemed by her unnecessary information. Zara had gone through life thinking and believing she was full Vulcan. And no one disputed the word of a member of a well respected Vulcan family as she was from. No one had ever bothered examining her close enough to discover her Betazoid blood...it was not distinctive enough a change to be seen from cursory examinations. It was the battle that caused the doctors to discover he true race. A battle that to this day, a little over 15 years since the battle, she did not remember more than that the ship was almost destroyed. The Chief Tactical officer of the ship had suffered serious injury, it had been up to her to take over. Her first battle. and it was a major, life threatening one, that very nearly caused her death.  
  
She did not remember who they had fought, or for what. But she remembered the noise, and the smoke, and the console exploding in front of her. Zara remembered that the last thing she saw was flame, and the next thing was the sickbay, days later. But it was during her time in sickbay that the doctor had to perform an in depth scan that revealed her Betazoid half, the half she had not know she had had.  
  
Over the years she had accepted that half, but she had not accepted it in more ways than the simple ways that allowed her to master Betazoid telepathic and empathic techniques. She had maintained totally Vulcan in mind, thought, and actions. She still remained that way...except now her Betazoid half was pushing at her. It was forcing her to recognize it. It was insistent, it was illogical...but it was in the form of her Betazoid grandmother Airilia. What could she do to counteract the strong emotion she got just from Airilia's letters? It seemed her that Airilia was determined to have her recognize her Betazoid heritage, but the question was, did she want to? Zara saw perfect logic in her actions as a Vulcan...but as a Betazoid, should she truly continue to deny that part of her? It might be that experiencing things from a Betazoid standpoint as well as a Vulcan standpoint could have a positive effect on her view of situations and greatly improve her efficiency. Then again, experiencing things as both a Vulcan and a Betazoid might flaw her pure Vulcan logic with emotion.  
  
The situation was difficult, Zara could not deny the interest she felt when she thought of her grandmothers suggestions, but in the end, was she willing to accept the change in herself, or would it destroy the perfection and control that she had worked for thirty-eight years to develop?  
  
Perhaps she should take more time to contemplate this, when she had time to meditate and weigh the options Airilia had presented to her with her Vulcan ideals. 


	2. Meditation

Chapter 2: Meditation  
  
Elizara moved toward the low table in her quarters and placed her meditation candle at the center of the table. She had already moved the chairs away from the table and placed a small, soft rug on the floor that she would sit on during her meditation. Zara dimmed the lights in the room and lit the candle, adjusting to make the best surroundings to aid her meditation. She then kneeled down on the rug, hands resting laxly on her legs, and stared at the candle...but she didn't just stare at the candle, she stared into the flame. She saw beneath the flame, and let the constant motion of the atoms in the flame lull her into a calm state.   
  
Closing her eyes, she opened her mind to stars and allowed herself to drift. Ideas and thought drifted through her mind as easily as they disintegrated into the stars, no more than the dust of space. She tried not to hold onto these thoughts, but to allow them to embrace her. Her mind focused on no one subject, but flitted freely from one to the next.  
  
In the wanderings of her mind, she saw questions and vague answers, but did not send her mind seeking details, or searching for more answers than were presented to her, nor did she ask a question of the starry void her mind was visiting.  
  
After a time that could have been three minutes or three days, time being of no substance in the meditative void she inhabited, the mind gained knowledge of the questions that had been invading her mind at every waking hour. She now knew the best course of action, what her mind found to be the most logical analysis of herself and her mind...and could now decide how she would proceed with her everlasting exploration of her spirit. 


	3. Decision

Chapter 3: Decision  
  
The golden expanse stretched in every direction for as far as the eye could see. Beating down on the expanse, sitting high in the sky, the heat of the sun radiated down onto the golden sand, the air torrid, but comforting. Zara stood unmoving, the shadow of Mount Seleya hiding her from the direct sunlight beating down on the Vulcan desert. She stared out across the barren expanse, the familiar site allowing her a peaceful setting more conductive to thought that a small meditative flame in her quarters.  
  
As she stared out across the expanse, she thought about the last time she stood in this spot. It was many year ago, before she left for Starfleet Academy. Despite the fact that she had decided early on that she would enter Starfleet Academy, she had been trained to fulfill a very different role from a young age.  
  
Long before other Vulcan children could say they had as much mastery of emotions as any adult, Elizara had mastered her emotions past the point of many adults. She applied herself totally to the task, believing it only right for a Vulcan...her Betazoid half unknown to her. Such discipline caught the eye of a Vulcan Master, T'Prelle. T'Prelle taught her throughout the years until finally, Elizara attained Kohlinar just days before she was the head to Starfleet Academy. It was then that she had last stood here, on Mount Seleya, staring out onto the golden sand of her homeworld.  
  
It was here, many years ago, that T'Prelle, her mentor of many years, had asked her to stay on Vulcan and not attend Starfleet Academy. T'Prelle saw in Elizara the ability to be a Vulcan Master, and guide others through Kohlinar, as T'Prelle had guided her, but it would require years more to attain such status. Her life must be devoted to the Kohlinar ritual, and as such, Starfleet was not an option. Elizara thought for a long time about this new option for life, T'Prelle standing beside her stoically, awaiting her decision.  
  
Elizara remembered it now, the details vivid in her mind. She remembered T'Prelle beside her, the exact place of the sun in the Vulcan sky, and the golden shine of the Vulcan desert. Yet she could not remember what had prompted her to continue on to Starfleet Academy, she could not remember her reason for not staying at Mount Seleya with T'Prelle. She had instead left Mount Seleya and Vulcan to begin her journey as a Starfleet Officer.  
  
Now, her decision, for whatever reasons she had made it, seemed wrong. Perhaps it had started with the discovery of her Betazoid side, and the knowledge that she was not solely from the logical Vulcan culture, that she was also from a highly emotion-dependant race. How could this have destroyed her complete suppression of emotion? But she could feel it, her mind was not clean of all emotions, the ideal of pure logic fleeting faster than she could retrieve it. Perhaps she should return to Vulcan...return to the teaching of T'Prelle and try once more to attain Kohlinar. Her mastery of emotion was slipping away, and soon her logic would be impaired. She must journey to Mount Seleya and re-attain Kohlinar before she suffered for her emotions, for her lack of pure logic.   
  
Elizara turned from the golden expanse of desert and closed her eyes for a moment as she spoke, "Computer, End Program." She opened her eyes as the lines of the holodeck returned and walked out the door. Once she returned to her quarters, she would have to make the necessary preparations to visit Mount Seleya. Once again she must stand on Mount Seleya and stare at the golden shine of the Vulcan desert with T'Prelle at her side.  
  
Note: Kohlinar is a Vulcan ritual intended to purge all remaining emotions in pursuit of the ideal of pure logic. Vulcan Masters are elder mentors who guide Vulcan aspirants through the Kohlinar ritual. 


	4. T'Prelle

Chapter 4: T'Prelle  
  
T'Prelle stood on the summit of Mount Seleya, staring out onto the desert as the setting sun cast shadows on the dunes. Soon, Elizara would be returning, and after a time, she and Elizara would stand here, staring out onto the desert as they had done once twenty years before. Elizara had chosen to leave Vulcan for Starfleet...and in doing so, her mind had become corrupted. Now, she was to return to Vulcan to heal her mind of the emotions that she has lost control of during her stay in Starfleet.  
  
What had happened to the young child T'Prelle had known? The child so schooled in her emotions that not even adults could live up to her level of discipline. A child capable of attaining Kohlinar with little instruction from the Vulcan Masters. That child was returning to Vulcan, no longer a child, but still not the experienced adult she had worked to be as a child. Elizara had been so close, attaining Kohlinar, her emotions never impairing her judgment, her logic infallible...and yet now, somehow, she was suffering from an emotional affliction.  
  
T'Prelle closed her eyes and remembered the child, the light hair that fell in childlike waves around her face. The green eyes, light and sweet, her round face stoic and calm, her mind pristine and intelligent. T'Prelle watched her grow, watched the childlike waves of hair grow into a smooth cascade of maturity. She observed as the green eyes darkened to form a deep, penetrating stare, the round face mature into a structured and perfectly chiseled image of serenity and knowledge, and her mind grow and mature as she accumulated a massive library of information in her head.  
  
Now, T'Prelle would see how this child had matured in the twenty years since Elizara had left to begin her Starfleet career. She could only hope that Elizara's brilliant mind had not been soiled with emotion beyond her ability to purge. One day in the future, perhaps Elizara would fulfill her destiny as a Vulcan Master of the Kohlinar, if her mind could be re-schooled to the control she had had earlier in her life.  
  
T'Prelle turned away from the desert, no longer golden in the light of the setting sun, and walked through the darkness of the Desert. Soon she would know of Elizara, it was not for her to concern herself with until her student arrived. Then, and only then, would T'Prelle be able to tell if Elizara's logic and mind were still intact, just hiding behind a superficial wall of emotion. 


	5. Journey

Chapter 5: Journey  
  
The time had come for her journey to Vulcan, to journey to attain Kohlinar. Zara packed what few items she would need in a small bad, her mind already forward in time. So many years ago she had attained Kohlinar, the pure logic and emotionless thought should not have left her, but it had. Could it have been the discovery that she was not full Vulcan that had corrupted her mind? It was not logical...yet Betazoids were not logical...she was half Betazoid. Other things could be the cause...but what? For the first time, she was at a loss as to what was causing something concerning her mind; she had to undergo Kohlinar before it affected more than just her thoughts....  
  
It would not effect more. It could not. Her thoughts were Vulcan, they would be purged. They would be pure. They would be emotionless, they would be logical. Her mind was fully Vulcan, it must be, or she would never have attained Kohlinar in the first place. Something else was causing her slight disruption...because in truth, that's all it was....to others. To Zara, it was a large, widening gap in her emotionless thought and logic...and the gap must be mended to leave only the smooth, polished Vulcan mind. 


	6. Vulcan

Chapter 6: Vulcan  
Vulcan. The hot air, the burning sands, the golden expanse of desert...and rising above it all was the mountain, Seleya, where Zara stood gazing into the expanse. T'Prelle was to meet her here, and Kohlinar was near.  
  
Some time later, Zara knew not how long she had stared across the expanse of desert before her, she sensed another person approaching. T'Prelle. T'Prelle stood beside Zara, not speaking, staring across the expanse beside her student. Finally, she spoke, "Why have you journeyed here?"  
  
Zara did not move her eyes from the desert, "To attain Kohlinar. I sent you a message stating such."  
  
"Is it truely Kohlinar that you are in need of? Once one has attained Kohlinar, it is difficult to loose the pure logic you gain. What has caused you to loose it?" T'Prelle's voice was emotionless, Zara knew not what she was thinking.  
  
Ideas of explainations ran through her head, and Zara did not know the answer to T'Prelle's questions. "I do not know what has caused me to loose it. I can only assume that my thoughts are not fully free of emotion and my logic not pure from my experiences."  
  
"Experiences can be tainted. You cannot know from your experiences if it it logic you lack. The world is an illogical place and often destroys all concept of logic....or contorts logic beyond recognition." T'Prelle turned to face Zara, and Zara turned as well. "Let me see into your mind. I will tell you if it is logic you seek, if it ever left you." T'Prelle kneeled down onto the hot sands of Vulcan.  
  
As she spoke, Zara kneeled as well, "Perform the mind meld."  
  
T'Prelle raised her hand to touch Zara's face, her fingers unconsciously finding the correct places on Zara's face. She spoke no words, the connection was made in silence, and T'Prelle looked into Zara's mind. 


End file.
